10 Ways to Tell if Someone You Know Is the Mother of a Small Child

10. They accidentally refer to themselves in the third person—often as “Mommy,” e.g. “Mommy likes cheese on her sandwich.”

9. They can’t resist telling you what their child’s last bowel movement was like.

8. You hear them humming or outright singing snatches of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” or “The Wheels on the Bus” in a public place.

7. Their shopping cart is loaded to the brim with jars of baby food, formula, diapers, diaper wipes, and baby clothes 2 sizes too big for their child.

6. Every article of clothing they own has green, yellow, or orange stains from either spit-up or splattered baby food.

5. Their once-thick hair has thinned considerably from being constantly tugged on.

4. They appear to not have showered since last Tuesday and smell faintly of sour milk.

3. Said small child is permanently attached to their arms or legs.

2. They have dark circles and bags under their eyes the size of Ohio.

1. Every new feat their child performs, no matter how obnoxious, is immediately deemed “precious” or “adorable,” e.g. “Little Timmy threw his strained peas all over the wall today—isn’t that adorable?”